WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
YOURCAPSLOCKBROKEN,YOURSPACEBARISFUCKEDTOO
taurus
21 April – 21 May
That Valentine’s card that you opened yesterday and gushed about how lovely it was, remember that goes in the green bin not the black one.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You finally achieve your dream of showing up naked at school during an exam.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
As your starsign is Cancer, you can never really complain that “nobody gets you”.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Pace yourself with them Creme Eggs, lad.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Ask yourself, “What would Donald Trump do?”.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You’re dying. Pure dying. But look around you; everyone’s dying. The girl over there? Dying. The bus driver this morning? Dying. Even your boss is dying. It’s Monday, in Ireland. Everyone’s dying.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Ooooh, this could be the week you finally meet that special someone and they dump you after one date because you’re so needy!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You’ve got a few good ideas, but nobody ever goes for them because you’ve got so, so many terrible ideas and they’ve kinda given you the name of being “the bad idea guy”.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If you’re annoyed that nobody at work ever listens to you, then maybe a job in a school for deaf people isn’t for you.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Remember, you’re only ever one online video of you falling on your face away from being an online superstar.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Is that what you’re wearing today? Really. okay. No, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you like it. Good for you.