WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

YOURCAPSLOCKBROKEN,YOURSPACEBARISFUCKEDTOO

taurus

21 April – 21 May

That Valentine’s card that you opened yesterday and gushed about how lovely it was, remember that goes in the green bin not the black one.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You finally achieve your dream of showing up naked at school during an exam.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

As your starsign is Cancer, you can never really complain that “nobody gets you”.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Pace yourself with them Creme Eggs, lad.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Ask yourself, “What would Donald Trump do?”.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You’re dying. Pure dying. But look around you; everyone’s dying. The girl over there? Dying. The bus driver this morning? Dying. Even your boss is dying. It’s Monday, in Ireland. Everyone’s dying.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Ooooh, this could be the week you finally meet that special someone and they dump you after one date because you’re so needy!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ve got a few good ideas, but nobody ever goes for them because you’ve got so, so many terrible ideas and they’ve kinda given you the name of being “the bad idea guy”.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you’re annoyed that nobody at work ever listens to you, then maybe a job in a school for deaf people isn’t for you.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Remember, you’re only ever one online video of you falling on your face away from being an online superstar.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Is that what you’re wearing today? Really. okay. No, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you like it. Good for you.  

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