WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

Oh shit, you forgot your wife’s birthday! And your anniversary! And your name! And where you live! This doesn’t look good. You may have a severe brain injury.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Are you serious with the skateboard? You’re a 30-year-old man.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Look, we don’t know what your horoscope is. You win the lotto or some shit like that. Or maybe you don’t. How the fuck should we know?

Cancer June 21 – July 22

That thing on your arm? Nah, don’t bother getting that checked. It’s probably nothing.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Only now you realise that Emu was a puppet, and not an actual blue bird that Rod Hull carried around all the time.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Nobody is angry with you. We’re just disappointed.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Get a little pin and stick it into your belly button. Hold for five seconds. This will initiate a complete factory reset.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Take solace in the fact that nobody is expecting much from you.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You finally warm to your partner after an initially frosty period, and now the two of you are ready to bust this case wide open!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Health kicks didn’t last long, did it? Ah, sure try again in January.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

THE TINDER MATCH IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! GET OUT!!

Pisces February 19 – March 20

The boss is coming. Look busy.