Waterford Man To Reduce His Meat Consumption By 0%

FOLLOWING the worrying news that the consumption of bacon, ham and sausages can lead to cancer, Waterford man and avid meat eater Jonathan Kilgallon has confirmed he will reduce his meat intake by 0%.

“Fuck that, I love a good fry,” Kilgallon is believed to have shouted at his TV yesterday evening while watching a news report which warned of the dangers of meat consumption.

While Kilgallon was said to be distressed by the fact that the very thing he loved the most was trying to kill him, he nevertheless intends on changing absolutely nothing about his diet.

“Ah, you hear this shite all the time,” Kilgallon, an expert in hearing about things that give you cancer in the news, confirmed, “if anything I might eat more bacon and sausages out of spite”.

The 29-year-old expressed frustration at the growing number of everyday foods, products, exercises and songs that were believed to be causing various cancers.

“D’ya remember when they said toilet paper could give you cancer? I didn’t wipe my arse for a month, so much for science like,” Kilgallon added.

Kilgallon joins thousands of Irish people who will now spend a brief time shouting ‘why would you do this to me?’ at their sausage sandwiches shortly before devouring them whole.