Same Fucker Always In Office Kitchen, Using Microwave

WORKERS in Dublin marketing firm Dream Big have expressed their annoyance at the constant presence of one coworker in the office kitchen, and his hogging of the microwave.

While some employees have speculated Dermot Hogan’s ceaseless use of the microwave was purely down to skiving off work, eye witnesses have countered those claims, revealing that “he’s forever heating something the fuck up”.

“I’ve had to eat my soup cold for the last week because this pillock is magnetically drawn to the microwave anytime I want to use it,” Ciaran Durrant explained to WWN.

An unforeseen consequence of Dermot’s microwave hogging is that any wish by his coworkers to make a cup of tea, grab a snack or stare aimlessly into the fridge for a few minutes must to accompanied by pained attempts to make small talk.

“Ugh, he’s either standing with his back to the microwave, watching the kitchen door, or he’s beeping away on the buttons trying to find some weird setting,” frustrated Dream Big employee Rachel Dylan shared, “so I’ve to ask him how his wife is or whatever just to escape the all consuming silence”.

Dermot has strenuously denied claims that he the office mircowave hogger, going on to cite his difficulty in accessing the microwave for months on end.

“People are fucking heating up their coffee in that thing, drink it while it’s warm you bollocks, instead hogging the microwave. I’ve to come in at 5.45am everyone morning just to make sure I can secure the thing for my lunch at 1pm, when I reheat some lasagne,” a visibly angry Dermot countered.