WWN Guide To Starting College


MANY new students have taken to colleges up and down the country this week, but with little experience of third level education it can be a perilous and scary time.

Let WWN guide you through what could well be an awkward bedding in period with some simple tips and information.

For those students who have previously only experienced education in a same sex environment, the prospect of beginning your studies alongside a man who obviously has some sort of penis underneath his clothes or indeed a woman who has all manner of distractions under her garments, it can be nigh impossible to concentrate.

With a hormone hurricane whirling about and swallowing up any focus you have only to spit it back out in the form of myriad sexy daydreams, it can a huge barrier between you and learning some sort of college course information.

We’re no puritans here at WWN HQ, so we’ll spell it out for, you might need to pull, stroke or flick all of that nervous sexual energy out of yourself before taking to your 9am lecture or it could turn into a lecture about your 9am erection.

You’re young, you’re confident, you’re out to make an impression for yourself. Wear a cravat. This is clearly for arts students only. You may be mercilessly mocked by your peers and instantly earn the nickname ‘cravat cunt’, but that means you’ll be remembered which is more than we can say for what’s her face who sat two rows behind you in orientation.

Fall in love with almost every decent looking human being you encounter. Third level education is obviously all about reaching the next level or your sex game, but to begin with, it’s advised to partake in the quintessential college experience of falling in love with any old dope that pays attention to you, or if you’re really good at it, falling in love with the dope who doesn’t pay attention to you at all.

The university life is all about broadening your horizons and is there a better way to do that than by simply joining a society? Probably, but look it, these society prats are very enthusiastic and persistent, so it’s best to give in for your own sake and join the ‘French New Wave Film Society’ or the ‘People Named Chris’ society.

Freshers week is where you can truly unveil the new you, you know the one that didn’t cry in P.E in 5th year when you were jocked. Make sure to drink as much as is humanly possible to ensure you become the star of a viral video which sees you mistake the student bar floor for your bed/toilet. There is no better way to begin your third level educational journey and it will help you earn the respect of your fellow students.

That’s essentially it, apart from attending lectures which is not advisable.