WWN’s Guide To The Dangers Of Offline Dating

WWN recently learned of a worrying trend which saw men and women attempting to find romance without the aid of smartphone apps or dating websites. This new and dangerous fad is sweeping the Nation and is known by the seemingly inoffensive name ‘offline dating’.

We talked to several participants in this worrying up-and-coming trend to try and understand the dangerous move away from smartphone apps which only require you to upload endless naked pictures of yourself.

“Well, I know offline dating has this reputation for only being for weirdos, but a friend kind of encouraged me,” explained 19-year-old student Sarah Cummings, a longtime Tinder user, “once you get over the stigma around it, it can actually lead to lasting relationships”.

Although Sarah admitted her parents were very concerned. “My Mam went mental at first, she couldn’t believe I would head out to a bar and try to meet a guy without first getting a dick pic on Snapchat from him”.

While offline dating’s popularity grows, the stigma remains and is backed up by some disconcerting facts. WWN can reveal that men and women who date offline can often enter into awkward conversations on what are believed to be called ‘blind dates’. These conversations can lead to as many as 40 seconds of excruciating silence, only broken by a nervous laugh or a pointless observation about the weather.

An early adopter of the offline dating world was Dubliner Cathal Stewart.

“I’d tried Tinder and a few other apps, but I got bored and realised I needed a change after downloading Growler,” Cathal said, alluding to popular app Growler, which allows men to like pictures of women in their area solely based on pictures of their vaginas.

Despite the safe, respectful and familiar environment of online dating, thousands of people are still taking the uncertain steps out into the world of offline dating.

“I was going for a jog the other day and a guy who was running by asked if I wanted to grab a coffee. It was quite charming, but my friends said I was mad, they were worried I hadn’t seen his 4 or 5 best pictures on Tinder,” Lorna Dowling explained.

Despite her positivity Lorna’s date proved to be a cautionary tale when it came to offline dating as her night out with jogger Dave turned out to be only ‘alright’.

If you still aren’t put off by the depraved World of offline dating WWN has reproduced guidelines recently issued by the Government:

1 – When meeting an individual politely insist that all conversation on a date be conducted through Snapchat.

2 – Make sure to take as many as 40 friends with you in case you’re offline date turns out to look exactly like their picture.

3 – If a bar or restaurant does not have ideal lighting for possible selfies, leave immediately.

4 – Check for quiet corners at your date venue which may provide an ideal secluded spot in which to you will be able show your off your penis or breasts to your date.

5 – Insist on breaks in the date every 10 minutes, allowing you the chance to take a picture of the person to upload to social media and the time to come up with an appropriately scathing commentary.