How To Enjoy The Loveless Marriage That Is Currently Destroying You
It’s not easy to enjoy your marriage when you’re almost 100% sure your other half couldn’t give a bollocks if you pop your clogs, but luckily WWN is here for all those husbands and wives out there. Check out our totes essential guide to enjoying your loveless marriage.
1 – Begin by screaming ‘I don’t fucking care’ every time your significant other attempts to speak. Sure, he or she might eventually have something important to tell you, but in the meantime enjoy the look on their face.
2 – On the occasions you have to service your partner, for example their birthday, why not take to narrating the whole thing while referring to yourself only in the third person? ‘John knew he had to do this, but just hoped his wife didn’t know he would be thinking about Top Gear the whole time’ or ‘Jessica sighed as she thought about how she really should have gone on that date with Niall back in college instead of marrying this chunky bit of man she had to call her husband’. Laugh of loud marriage banter.
3 – Okay, so this loveless marriage is tearing you up inside, but it’s not all bad, start by writing your spouse out of your will. Just imagine the look on their face when they find out, no seriously imagine because you won’t get to see it, you’ll be dead.
4 – If you are looking for a more amicable route come clean and reveal how much you dislike being married, then channel all that discontent into bitching non-stop about those around you. Do it together, it might even be fun.
5 – Label your food in the fridge with thoughts of the day like ‘my wife is a 3’ or ‘my husband doesn’t know what the capital of Switzerland is’.
6 – Want to make yourself laugh? There’s no better way to extract some joy from the situation than to consistently call your husband or wife by the wrong name. This requires patience and a straight face. After about 6 months they will give up and accept their new name and that is when you know it is time to change it again.
7 – Don’t get mad, get fat. So this marriage is destroying you, why not literally do that to yourself through a number of food based steps. Think of how enjoyable a diet consisting solely of pizza, coke, ice cream and diabetes could be.