€3 Million Cocaine Seizure By Police To Affect 70% Of Christmas Parties

70% of the country’s Christmas parties lie in ruins this morning after police in Northern Ireland successfully seized cocaine with a street value well in excess of €3 million.

It is thought much of the cocaine was destined for the south of Ireland as Christmas party season kicks off in earnest.

Cocaine, a staple of the Christmas party diet, has seen it’s popularity rise again since the Government insisted recently that the dark days of economic depression are over. Despite cocaine supplies now look to be on the low side ahead of party season.

“It’s a huge blow, excuse the pun, but I was really hoping to get out of me bin in the toilets of a Nandos. The party just won’t be the same,” admitted serial cocaine user and Christmas party attender James O’Dowd.

Many party organisers have been left scratching their heads trying to come with alternative ways to ensure a fantastic time for all the office thanks to the selfish work done by the PSNI.

“The guys in the office work so hard all year round and now what I am going to do? Stick some Dib Dabs in the party bag and hope they don’t notice?” Eileen McGrath, chief party organiser for Sales Bright Inc queried.

With the majority of office parties affected by this seizure, experts have speculated that employees will have precisely 0% less craic but will see a reduction in unbearable smugness by 30%.

“If there’s an absence of cocaine, all that’s left is to drink until your heart stops and for many people that will be an enjoyable experience,” explained Cian Yardley, who organised a successful Christmas party during the great cocaine drought of 1999.

Despite some alternatives available, a number of Christmas parties have already been cancelled altogether.

“What’s the fucking point now in fairness,” explained the owner of Hanley Home Interiors Criag Hanley.