The WWN Guide To ISIS/ Islamic State/ ISIL/ Duran Duran

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ARE you struggling to get your head around this latest naughty Sunni Caliphate terrorist group? Well WWN is here to fill in the gap with its handy guide to how the fundamental Islamic banter of ISIS/ Islamic State/ ISIL/ Duran Duran came about.

1. Lucky for us ISIS forces are largely divided into easily identifiable and unique members much in the same way Louis Walsh devises his boybands. Each separate group of ISIS fighters are split in such a way that they have ‘the smart one’, ‘the cute one’, ‘the psychotic one’, ‘the torture expert’ and ‘the only one who can actually sing’.

2. The current situation was definitely not in any way the fault of Nobel Prize winner Barack Obama, who totally did not withdraw troops prematurely from Iraq against the advice of all experts including then Major General David Petraeus, who had overseen the near end to hostilities in Iraq in the preceding years.

3. America’s continuing drive towards self sufficiency in regards to oil means there has been a sharp decline of 100% in empathy towards innocent Iraqi civilians, something clever ISIS forces continue to exploit.

4. It can be said that against the advice of everyone, including then US Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker, Obama put in place a specific deadline for the withdrawal of American troops meaning insurgents were able to count down the days until the Iraqi state was once again vulnerable, but it cannot be said that this is in any way the fault of the leader of the free world.

5. Duran Duran topped the charts in 1985 with Bond theme A View To Kill.

6.Support for any military action against ISIS is directly linked to how serious a threat they pose to non-Iraqi citizens believed to be living in places such as America, Britain and the rest of the Western world.

7. Like we said you cannot blame American President Barack Obama, as he definitely did not pursue a vanity project to be the man who ended the war in Iraq, instead he simply removed all political and diplomatic resources provided to a nascent democratic Iraqi government leaving member of the Shia majority and acting Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to reduce the freedoms and opportunities available to the minority Sunni population safe in the knowledge that no one from the West was watching.

8. In fact al-Malicki continued to consolidate his position as Prime Minister and isolate many Sunni men who would go on to join ISIS due in no small part to the fact that there was only one solitary diplomatic visit made by a member of the Obama administration in the years between their exit in 2011 and the summer of 2014.

8. If you are finding it impossible to care about these things but don’t want to seem too silly in conversations with friends, don’t worry you’re not alone. You should go to Ending Hell, a great 2018 Hollywood blockbuster starring Julia Roberts as the beautiful, brave and completely made up American women who was specifically written into the film to replace a Kurdish local who actually helped countless Kurdish women and children to safety and out of the clutches of the evil ISIS.

9. If you are a Sunni former member of the Iraqi army which George Bush disbanded, leaving you without a job you were probably quite annoyed. You were probably annoyed again when Nouri al-Maliki kicked you out on the Sons of Iraq forces, who helped defeat Sunni fundamentalists, in favour of someone from the Shia population. You might have been livid when you and your fellow Sons of Iraq were attacked and killed you unprovoked bu al-Maliki forces. If you were then again discriminated and marginalised by the Iraqi government ignored by America you’re probably in ISIS so you don’t need this guide at all. Go look at some some funny memes on the internet you scamp.

10. Al-Qaeda cut ties to ISIS due to their barbaric acts of violence, giving ISIS the new nickname The Big Uh Oh.

11. Duran Duran’s Rio album spawned 4 top 20 hits in the UK.

H/T to the guys over at Joe.ie

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