Office Psycho Openly Farts In Cramped Lift

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Unsettling scenes unfolded between the 2nd and 3rd floors of Geeney & Associates earlier today.

Paul Crean, long suspected of being the resident ‘office psycho’ pursued a sustained and frenzied attack on the occupants of the office lift, solely using the melodious utterances of his buttocks.

Among his victims was receptionist Aoife Stewart, just two days away from retirement. “At first I thought I was mistaken, no one would be so brazen, but then I saw Paul adjust his leg upwards and out came that, horrible noise,” a troubled Aoife shared.

“He even tried to give it additional ventilation by wafting it with his hands, all the while smiling that psychotic smile. No explanation, nothing,” Aoife before fainting.

“Oh God, I can’t escape the sound, it was a like a wet duck being slowly rolled over by a tank,” explained solicitor at the company, Terrence Higgins, “not to mention the searing of my nostrils, I’ve been told to head to A and E now. I could lose my sense of smell completely.”

CCTV footage obtained by WWN show Crean, waiting outside an empty lift patiently, only boarding when it was full to the brim with innocent people.

“What goes through a person’s head I ask you?” Shared a bewildered Michael Andrews, a co-worker.

“Yes, I suppose when I look back now the signs were there, he had his top button on his shirt undone sometimes, never put ‘kind regards’ in his emails. I mean, he must have been planning this for years.”

Crean’s motivations are unclear at this point, but yet more CCTV footage shows his choice to eat four pot noodles for lunch may have been used as part of the attack.

“You shouldn’t try to find out what motivates people like that because, before too long you’re down the rabbit hole of darkness and there is no coming back,” advised attending Garda John Murphy.

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