Rest Of The Nation To Emigrate If Dublin Beat Kerry

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With the second All Ireland Football Championship semi-final taking place this weekend Ireland is faced with the possibility of Dublin lifting the Sam for a second time in three years.

The feat was last achieved by Dublin in 2011 and everyone agrees they would rather flea the country en masse than have to experience that level of nauseating boasting again.

The advent of social media coupled with Dublin’s sunshine supporters could create toxic levels of smugness not seen since Dublin’s victories in the previous rounds of this year’s Championships.

A grassroots support network, Christ I Hope Dublin Don’t Win (CIHDDW), has been set up across several counties aiming to provide comfort to those finding Dubliners’ excitement unbearable.

Mick Conway, a Galway native, was visibly emotional when he spoke of the possibility of Dublin success: “They were bad enough with the hurling and sure they couldn’t give a shite about that. I’ll have to leave I can’t bloody stand it, I’ll lose my shit if one more D4 head pretends to care about the ‘Gawh’.”

Head of CIHDDW Richie Fitzgerald admitted not all Dublin fans were likely to celebrate obnoxiously.

“Ah we’re sure that one or two Dublin lads and lasses will flat out not care about it but it’s the ones that will tattoo the Sam on their faces we’ll have to watch out for”.

Fitzgerald spoke of ‘coping clinics’ were people can prepare themselves as paid actors create scenes in which Dublin fans act the bollocks in the days, months and years following the clinching of the title.

“The clinics have been a real help. Some of the actors are real ‘method’ so they’ve gone too far and have been put in restraints but it’s the one bright spot after the news that ‘GAA asylum status’ won’t be granted to emigrants heading for America and elsewhere.”

Local authorities have also spoken of potential difficulties arising from a Dublin win.

“There could well be a bunting outbreak, an epidemic across all of Dublin making it difficult for large vehicles to traverse the city” said one Dublin councillor who wished to remain anonymous, “and once you start down the road of bunting, it’s like a gateway drug of tasteless tat. Casual Fridays will be wall to wall Dublin jerseys for God knows how long”.

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