Irish Judicial System Admits To Using Magic 8 Balls To Decide Sentencing

MINISTER for Justice Alan Shatter has made calls for an inquiry today after it was revealed the majority of Irish judges use magic 8 balls to decide jail terms for offenders.

The news came following an investigation by WWN into a spate of bizarre sentences which were handed out by the judicial system over the past 10 years.

In the report it was revealed that over 95% of Irish judges used a spherical shaped toy which, when shook, would conjure up a random periods of time.

One whistle blower, who currently works as a court clerk in Dublin, told WWN it was common practice for Judges to pass sentences following advice from the over sized pool ball.

“I have seen people with no tax or Insurance go to jail for 2 years after a judge asked the magic 8 ball how long he should give them.” she said. “Just recently a man from Limerick was sentenced to 6 months for installing windows in his home.”

However, businessman Anthony Lyons, who was released last night after four months for sexual assault on a young woman, defended the Limerick man’s lengthy jail term, stating: “Its monsters like that who ruin the appearance of ordinary decent neighbourhoods and think they can get away with it. He should have got ten years for house abuse.”

Meanwhile, the Justice Minister told the Dáil earlier that the practice of relying on a plastic toy for advice was totally unacceptable and reiterated his previous apology to anyone who may have fell foul of the courts, and insisted a public inquiry will have to be called, if the magic 8 ball permits it.