Catholic Church Urge Irish Heathens To Return To Mass Or Burn In Hell For All Eternity

IRISH people still technically registered as Catholics but who haven’t been to mass in years have been warned to return to their nearest church immediately or face the wrath of Satan – an eternity of fire, brimstone with the possibility of really poor Wi-Fi.

“We’re going to have to start compiling a list of sinners if numbers keep dwindling like this,” a Church spokesperson told WWN. “Yes, God is everywhere, but He really wants you in His gaff every Sunday morning: double park outside, cough up some tax-free cash – these 2025 electric cars and not contributing anything to redress schemes don’t buy themselves, you know.”

Since the pandemic, many parishioners have switched to watching webcam masses, sparking the rise of ‘rogue priests’ running cut-price services online and undercutting the Catholic Church’s massopoly.

“God isn’t present at unregulated masses that don’t carry the Guaranteed God™ logo,” a Vatican official explained. “You might as well convert to being a dirty Protestant and spend the afterlife in hell.”

In an effort to lure back the faithful, some priests are now offering two communions per mass instead of one.

“You’ll get a Body of Christ for each hand for your first six months back,” confirmed local priest Fr. Henry Power, “and maybe even a sip of the Blood of Christ if you prove yourself a loyal mass-goer.”

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