Slow Runners Sent To Meat Factory, 62 Times More Funding; If Irish Athletics Was Treated Like Racehorse Industry

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WWN SPORTS has disregarded reality and journalistic integrity to imagine a ridiculous scenario in which, fresh from a record breaking medals haul at the European Athletics Championships, Irish athletics was afforded the same respect, funding and blind eye the horse racing industry has been granted by successive Irish governments.

The utterly ridiculous premise if followed through logically would see Athletics Ireland receive 62 times its €1.23 million funding to the match the annual €76 million given to Horse Racing Ireland.

But that’s not the only revolutionary change that would occur as WWN Sports brings you the full list below:

All runners deemed to be slowing down will be sent to a meat factory in the full knowledge athletes will suffer inhumane treatment and slaughter. The Department of Sport along with the Department of Agriculture will accept all denials from the sporting body on face value.

The starting gun on a race track would take on a whole different eerie meaning for athletes.

The people who owned the fields and tracks athletes trained on would receive all prize money and praise instead of the athletes.

Like Horse Racing Ireland, Athletics Ireland would state ‘the industry directly employs 30,000 people’ in their reports justifying a whopping €76mn in funding but neglect to mention this is untrue as this figure includes every Irish betting shop which incidentally generates 90% of its revenues from bets on soccer.

Ridiculous names like Usain Bolt, Gaylord Silly, English Gardner and Dick Fosbury would be commonplace in the sport.

The capacity of athletes to hide their use of performance enhancing drugs would increase exponentially with the introduction of an absence of rigorous testing.

Politicians would email senior figures in the industry asking how much money they want this year, rather than simply not answering emails from athletics clubs seeking money, which is the case currently.

To justify how ‘successful’ and essential the sport of athletics is to the Irish economy, Athletics Ireland would claim responsibility for every single pair of runners sold in sports shops around the country.

All pressure and obligation to look after the welfare of athletes under its remit would disappear overnight.

Pat Hickey would still be able to get you a ticket for the Olympics.

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