Man Who Set Fire To 800-Year-Old Mummified Remains To Be Given 800-Year-Old Punishment


A MAN arrested in connection with starting a fire in the crypt of St Michan’s Church in Dublin is to be given a fitting punishment for destroying 800-year-old mummified remains, authorities have confirmed.

“I’m a 1300s torture purist myself so for me, the iron maiden is your only man,” said one investigating garda, who was delighted to learn a person’s right to an automatic suspended sentence, as clearly enshrined in the constitution, would be waived in this particular case.

“The ‘head crusher’ obviously sounds awful by the name alone, but I quite like the brazen bull. Nothing says ‘why did you that, you absolute prick’ like placing the perpetrator in a metal device, locking them inside and setting a fire underneath them and slowing boiling them alive,” said one barrister.

How the method will be chosen remains unclear but locals in the area are hoping it goes to a public vote while libraries in the area have confirmed an increase in the number of people checking out books on long forgotten torture techniques.

“Now that could just be Bill, he’s a weird one. Still hasn’t returned those 40 books on making bombs from items commonly found in your kitchen,” explained one librarian.

Elsewhere, similar punishments have been called for people who sing so loudly at concerts you can’t actually hear the band.