Patrick Dempsey Named People’s Sexiest Man Alive


“THERE MUST be some sort of mistake,” local Waterford man Patrick Dempsey said as the world’s tabloids descended on his door step to ask him for comment on the news he has been named People Magazine’s sexiest man alive.

Dried toast and butter gathered at the corner of his mouth, his dressing gown open exposing his bare chest and one wandering testicle which had broken free of the confines of his urine stained boxers, it’s easy to see why Dempsey was bestowed with the title this year.

“Angela love, you hearing this?” Dempsey shouted in to his wife. “Sexiest man alive or not muggins here will still have to be the one putting out the bins tonight,” groused Dempsey.

Dempsey’s formless face with no discernible jaw line, his grey lifeless eyes and his slanted off colour teeth at the centre of an unintentionally menacing smile saw Dempsey beat out other contenders including Micheal B Jordan, Chris Hemsworth and Harry Styles.

“One only need to look at Patrick and be struck by his debonair ways and graceful way of carrying himself,” People Magazine editor Wendy Naugle stated, as Dempsey spoke to the media in between sudden and sharp coughs and expelling of phlegm.

“It’s an honour sure, but I have to admit, it took you long enough,” Dempsey said to Naugle, becoming visibly irritated now it dawned on him that for years he had been denied this deserving accolade and lost out to trainwreck faces such as George Clooney, Chris Evans and Idris Elba.