The US Embassy’s Guide To Visiting Dublin


IRISH PEOPLE have reacted angrily to the news the US Embassy in Ireland is giving Americans the exact advice Irish people give themselves when visiting the capital city.

‘Don’t travel alone in public’ was some of the advice the embassy gave its citizens in the wake of a number of high-profile assaults and a further decade of politicians ignoring Dublin city’s decline but that wasn’t the only nugget of safety advice. Other recommendations included:

‘Hey, just don’t visit’.

‘Okay if you insist, we’ll connect with US forces in Shannon airport and they will operate a drone bombing campaign on any locals who look at you sideways, just say the word and it’s “Pakistani wedding time”‘.

‘We’re not saying it’s dangerous but it’s about as safe a US school right now’.

‘You may be thinking okay, Dublin isn’t safe, but the rest of the country is fine, wrong! We advise any Black, Asian, Middle Eastern or Hispanic Americans that if you head to a rural Irish town concerned locals could protest and drive you out of town after mistaking you for an asylum seeker’.

‘Also, double check the hotel you booked is still standing, certain locals enjoy setting hotels on fire if they think it will be used for housing refugees’.

Asked to comment on the advice from the embassy the Garda Commissioner was unavailable as he was busy fending off a vote of no confidence in him by rank-and-file gardaí.