De Niro Has Balls Put In Vice Following Birth Of Seventh Child


ACADEMY award-winning actor Robert De Niro has approached his long-time director friend Martin Scorsese for inventive vasectomy advice, after announcing that he has recently fathered a seventh child at the age of 79.

De Niro is said to be looking for the most gangster way to ensure he sires no more children, and Scorsese has suggested the following:

– Smash your balls in a vice like the infamous torture scene from Casino. Alternatively, drive your balls out to the middle of a corn field and have them beaten to a pulp by three men with baseball bats.

– Drive an ice pick into your balls like what happened to Maurie in Goodfellas (spoiler alert for Goodfellas). If this is not possible, then have your balls ‘made’, let them get all excited about being made balls, drive them to the ceremony where they are getting made, then shoot them through the back of the scrotum when they least expect it.

– Sticking with Goodfellas methods of vasectomisation, try to encourage your balls to rat on a high-level mobster. The feds will put your balls in the witness protection program, where they can no longer impregnate anyone.

– Have your balls stomped to pieces by an old man who has been digitally de-aged to look 30 years old like in The Irishman. Please note, this method will take an incredibly long time and look really, really weird.

– Sit your balls down and make them watch Silence. They will naturally shrivel up and die by the end.

Meanwhile De Niro’s long-time pal and co-star Joe Pesci has been laughing since he heard the news, prompting De Niro to be the one asking ‘how is this funny?’.