Still-Drunk Sunday League Players Reject Comparisons To Maguire & De Gea

“I’M NOT having that, I may be vomiting in my mouth, have two left feet, one of which has a hip flask hidden in it but at least I don’t look like a baby giraffe learning to walk when I try to make a clearance,” said Tom Purfey, one of hundreds of still-drunk-from-Saturday-night-out Sunday league players who have been unfairly compared to comedy double-act Harry Maguire and David De Gea.

Following the underwhelming and error-strewn performance of the United stars, some pundits made the all too easy comparison; suggesting the performance was reminiscent of bench warmers with the coordination skills an octopus on roller skates and lung capacity of a deflated tyre.

“Yeah, I lean on the goal post because I feel woozy and need the emotional support too but I’m never asking the keeper to pass to me when there’s three attackers breathing down my neck,” added Purfey, considering legal action after one teammate asked ‘this you?’ when posting a video of United calamitous performance into the group Whatsapp.

The humbling loss to Europa League owners Sevilla is not the ideal preparation for United ahead of their FA Cup semi final on Sunday, with suggestions Maguire could have put the final nail in the coffin of his United career.

“Look, I can’t make any promises but if Harry makes it down and his fitness is there we could give him 20 minutes with the B team in a friendly,” offered one Sunday league manager, who runs a high-standards operation that sees his best mate and brother-in-law always start matches even if they miss training.