‘Everything Everywhere All At Once’ Expected To Win Fuck All At The IFTAS
THE SMILES of victorious Oscar winners representing Everything Everywhere All At Once have been short lived after word reached them that if they think they’ll be sweeping the board at the upcoming IFTAs they can ‘do one’, plunging them into unquantifiable levels of devastation.
“Everyone knows the IFTAs are the big ones,” said Brendan Gleeson, who having lost out to Ke Huy Quan for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar was beginning to regret his decision to go ‘full method’ by chopping his fingers off in preparation for his Banshees role.
“Couldn’t even give that prick the middle finger during that lovely, humble speech,” sobbed Gleeson.
Winning 7 awards including Best Picture, EEAAO’s celebrations proved short lived as Michelle Yeoh learned that her movie wasn’t the bookies favourite for taking the big prizes for the IFTAs.
“The whats?” responded Yeoh, so overcome with grief like emotion, she couldn’t fully comprehend the fact she wouldn’t be rubbing shoulders with the Ireland AM crew at the RDS held awards.
“We’re absolutely not lashing out because we’re disappointed at not winning more Oscars but if you think you arseholes have a shot at the IFTAs good fucking luck,” said one member from the Irish Oscars delegation to those currently celebrating awards success.
Elsewhere, Jenny The Donkey warned Jamie Lee Curtis she would have to pry an IFTA award from her cold dead hooves, while All Quiet On The Western Front was advised not to get its hopes up in the Best Film With Quiet In The Title IFTA category.
“Ah look, you win some you lose some, it’s just been a great experience,” concluded laid back and mild mannered Paul Mescal, seconds before stabbing Brendan Fraser in the chest with the actor’s own Oscar.