WWN’s World Cup Recap


YESTERDAY’S World Cup games were sponsored by that realisation it’s been fairly shit and hosting it Qatar has killed your love for one of the very few things that brings you joy, and Budweiser.

Group A saw Senegal earn a penalty when Ecuador’s Piero Hincapie was punished by the referee for simply spotting Ismaila’s Sarr’s shoulder had popped out of its socket and triying to put in back in place with his own shoulder.

Despite being on the verge of going out Ecuador showed less urgency than a pensioner at the top of a queue for the ATM.

Moises Caicedo did eventually score an equaliser, which was more against the run of play than a car driving the wrong way down the M50.

Senegal instantly hit back with a goal from Koulibably who cleverly replaced his ungainly defender legs with Sadio Mané’s to fire in a volley.

More exciting than qualifying for the next round, the marvelous Senegal fans, singing and dancing throughout, have been confirmed as headliners at this year’s Glastonbury.

Elsewhere a team claiming to be professional footballers representing Qatar lost 2-0 to the Netherlands.

The evening’s games saw Wales play England and Irish audiences groaning after learning this was on TV instead of Iran and USA.

A first half more joyless than Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kanye West, over on RTÉ Liam Brady questioned if life was worth living such was the boredom on offer.

The first half’s only highlight was Harry Maguire powering forward from defence with the ball at his feet in the most aimless journey since the Evergiven got stuck in the Suez Canal. The ‘one and only’ person to enjoy the first 45 minutes was half time performer Chesney Hawkes.

Gareth Bale was subbed at halftime, rounding out a series of World Cup performances more disappointing than Britain’s economic forecast for the next decade.

Wales were more toothless than a newborn, and played as if they were under the threat of sniper fire if they made their way into England’s half.

After Phil Foden produced a dive worthy of Tom Daley Marcus Rashford scored from the resulting freekick as Wales keeper Danny Ward picked the worst time to shrink himself down to the size of a fly, leaving a gaping goal.

The second and third goals quickly followed, paving the way for English pundits to speculate if England should take it easy on Brazil in the final and only win by five goals.

In the other group’s game USA beat Iran 1-0 in a match more tense than the final stretch of Breaking Bad episodes.

Scoring through Christian Pulisic, USA hung on like Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. Despite Iran’s best efforts and playing well in adversity (rumours continue to swirl that the Iranian regime had directly threatened their family members in a move called ‘not sound’ by fans everywhere) they couldn’t secure an equaliser.

Iran did manager to fit at least 47 separate penalty appeals in the last 5 minutes, a new tournament record.

Injured in the process of scoring the game’s winner Christian Pulisic denied faking injury just to avail of non-US healthcare.

Moving scenes at the end of the game saw USA players comfort crying Iranian players which will presumably instantly bring an end to decades of hostilities between the two nations.

Today’s games could grown men cry if Messi’s Argentina fail to qualify for the knockouts.