Pathetic Student Doesn’t Even Have Chlamydia Yet

WATERFORD native Marcus Phelan is continuing to waste the best years of his life by studying and attending lectures, with sources close to the 18-year-old confirming that he hasn’t even picked up a sexually transmitted disease yet.

Phelan, currently living in Dublin where he attends UCD, is said to be 100% disease and infection free, after sleeping with only one girl since moving to the city, and taking the correct safety precautions such as wearing a condom like a big sad virgin would do.

With his penis free from discharge and his urine free from white mucus-ey particles that sting him when he pees, Phelan continues to excel in his engineering course, giving his fellow students plenty to mock him about.

“Ha, look at him over there, not hungover, not frantically scratching the tip of his penis,” said Phelan’s classmate Mark Gennon, frantically scratching the tip of his penis.

“How is that the college experience? You’re young, you’re away from home for the first time, you have fuck all money so you just get wrecked on cheap wine and have bareback sex because you can’t afford rubbers. Here’s this chump over here, not even a wart on his tool, making the rest of us look like we’re idiots or something. Is peer pressure not a thing now that we’ve made the switch from secondary school to college? What the fuck is going on?”

Reports are also coming in that Phelan has yet to try drugs of any kind, which has bumped him from the category of ‘sad bastard’ to ‘fucking pure sad bastard altogether’.