WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your ability to write Horoscopes may or may not be affected by a severe bout of the Winter vomiting bug oh Jesus Christ here it comes again move move move

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Those clothes collection things that come through the door? They’re a scam. Don’t give them any of your old pants. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone tries to smother you with a plastic bag over your head, but you rip it easily. It’s only plastic. People in movies must be weak as fuck. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You finally get arthritis from cracking your knuckles. Your mam was right all along, and it only took 60 years. 

leo

July 23 – August 22

You see someone in town with triplets, and they’re all bawling. It makes you glad you had your genitals torn off by that machine. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you’ve got something to say, then say it. Online. Via an anonymous Twitter account that cannot be traced back to you. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

A ride would be no harm today, that’s for sure.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You discover the only thing worse than that time you called your teacher ‘mammy’ is the time right now when you called your boss ‘sweetie’.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your drama manufacturing sideline continues to work nicely. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You eat a Kinder Surprise. The whole thing; chocolate, yellow capsule, toy, the fucking lot. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You decorate your house for Halloween because that’s a thing now, apparently. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your pet turkey is growing friendlier by the day, making the 23rd of December very awkward indeed. 

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