WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your ability to write Horoscopes may or may not be affected by a severe bout of the Winter vomiting bug oh Jesus Christ here it comes again move move move
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Those clothes collection things that come through the door? They’re a scam. Don’t give them any of your old pants.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone tries to smother you with a plastic bag over your head, but you rip it easily. It’s only plastic. People in movies must be weak as fuck.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You finally get arthritis from cracking your knuckles. Your mam was right all along, and it only took 60 years.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You see someone in town with triplets, and they’re all bawling. It makes you glad you had your genitals torn off by that machine.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you’ve got something to say, then say it. Online. Via an anonymous Twitter account that cannot be traced back to you.
libra
September 23 – October 22
A ride would be no harm today, that’s for sure.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You discover the only thing worse than that time you called your teacher ‘mammy’ is the time right now when you called your boss ‘sweetie’.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your drama manufacturing sideline continues to work nicely.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You eat a Kinder Surprise. The whole thing; chocolate, yellow capsule, toy, the fucking lot.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You decorate your house for Halloween because that’s a thing now, apparently.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your pet turkey is growing friendlier by the day, making the 23rd of December very awkward indeed.