Noonan Starts Budget With “You’re Fucking Welcome”

LEAKED copies of the Minister For Finance’s budget speech today have outlined an opening paragraph in which Michael Noonan will acknowledge the great work he’s done for everyone, starting with the phrase ‘people of Ireland… you’re fucking welcome’.

First-time buyers, the elderly, the ‘stretched middle’ and even TDs themselves are expected to be better off after today’s budget announcement, with smokers and drinkers only hit with ‘marginal raises’ which Noonan stresses will be ‘nothing like what Fianna Fáil would have done’.

Noonan goes on to stress how the marginal rises in social welfare spending more than make up for the years of austerity brought about by the economic downturn, which again is laid at the feet of previous FF governments.

“Don’t all thank me at once,” reads the speech, during which Noonan refers to himself in the third person repeatedly.

“That’s just the kind of guy Michael Noonan is; he’s a giver. I share the wealth when I can. You’re elderly? Have a few extra quid, buy yourself some briquettes, it’s on me. Looking to buy your first home? Sure, have a grant off a new build, go nuts. You want to run a multinational operation out of Ireland to exploit some tax loopholes, Hey, Mickey Noon is here for you all day baby”.

The speech concludes with a jubilant ‘See youse in Coppers’.