UK Continuing To Humour Northern Ireland By Pretending It’s Wanted, Loved


THE UK has confirmed that it is to continue the proud tradition of pretending Northern Ireland is not a great big dead weight of a burden its saddled itself with for the rest of its natural life, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Despite the uncertainty the Brexit vote has brought to Great Britain and Northern Ireland, senior political figures, along with ordinary members of the public have pledged to continue the lie that the 6 counties are wanted and loved.

“Basically, we all have to band together here in England, Wales and Scotland and put on an elaborate show of fake love for the lads over there in Northern Ireland, even though it’s plainly not true,” a weary British PM Theresa May relayed to the people of England, Wales and Scotland in a television address.

“It’s like, well, have you ever watched that movie the Truman Show? Well, the Nordies are Jim Carrey, just humour them and smile and pretend that if things weren’t guaranteed to go nuclear if we abandoned them, we obviously wouldn’t do it in a heartbeat,” May added.

Many people in Northern Ireland have expressed their fears that Britain leaving the EU will mean a return to a hard border with the Republic of Ireland, prompting calls for even more kind words and reassurances from senior political figures than is usually normal.

“It’s nice to hear you’re loved, who doesn’t like to hear that? We have Game of Thrones here and everything, who wouldn’t love us… you do love us, don’t you?” Belfast resident Paul Stewart shouted from the docks in the general direction of mainland UK.

“It may be an economic black hole and be no more than one minor event away from descending into a violent riot, but we have to at least convince them they’re our economic black hole, or else we’ll never hear the end of it,” May added, concluding her address.

The very thing much of the rest of the UK does not feel towards them, love.

“Just this morning I patted Arlene Foster and Martin McGuinness on their heads, their eyes just lit up”.