Gerry Adams Confirms He Will Retire In 2116


SENIOR Sinn Féin figures are scrambling to enact their ‘Sinn Féin without Gerry’ emergency protocols after Gerry Adams confirmed his intention to retire shortly.

Taking a hammer to ‘break in case of emergency’ glass seconds after learning of the news, Mary Lou McDonald reached for an ancient scroll, written by Gerry Adams in the late 90s, which outlines his guidelines for choosing his successor as Sinn Féin president.

Adams sent shockwaves around the media this morning, confirming what many people felt was long overdue, that the TD for Louth would step aside and retire as leader as soon as 2116.

“Look people in the media like to make out like I’ll never vacate my position, which is silly, and I can now confirm I’ll be gone soon enough, after the 200th anniversary of the Rising,” Adams confirmed in a selfie posted to Twitter with one of his 47 teddies.

While the exact details of the succession plan are only known to Sinn Féin insiders, it is rumoured that cryogenically freezing Adams until such a time that the IRA is but a distant memory is central to the plan.

“I’ll get an early start on clearing out my desk some time in 2079. You can’t put off these things forever,” Adams confirmed.

Adams denied that publicly stating he would like a woman to succeed him was part of an elaborate prank just to get McDonald’s hopes up before appointing Pearse Doherty to the position.