WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You forgot to take your ecstasy this morning. Work is going to be a nightmare.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Wishing to regain the spirit of your youth, you throw caution to the wind and climb a tree. You also get to meet the fire brigade!

gemini

May 21 – June 20

From Wednesday at 9:00pm, you spend the next 178 hours waiting for the next episode of the Great British Bake-Off.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You still instinctively flick to the toy section of the Argos catalogue.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get your name in the local paper. Driving without tax. Your mam is heartbroken.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You drop your latest rap album. Sales are… slow, if we’re honest.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

The cops are up ahead. Just be cool.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Who would have thought your mam could play air guitar like that? Bitch can shred!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

This horoscope is not available in your region.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re not sure if the Creme Eggs in the shop are from last Easter, or for next Easter.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You lose your fucking mind and go up for a second communion at mass. DOUBLE JESUS.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Sorry, you’re wearing headphones. We’ll come back later.  

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