WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You forgot to take your ecstasy this morning. Work is going to be a nightmare.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Wishing to regain the spirit of your youth, you throw caution to the wind and climb a tree. You also get to meet the fire brigade!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
From Wednesday at 9:00pm, you spend the next 178 hours waiting for the next episode of the Great British Bake-Off.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You still instinctively flick to the toy section of the Argos catalogue.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You get your name in the local paper. Driving without tax. Your mam is heartbroken.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You drop your latest rap album. Sales are… slow, if we’re honest.
libra
September 23 – October 22
The cops are up ahead. Just be cool.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Who would have thought your mam could play air guitar like that? Bitch can shred!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
This horoscope is not available in your region.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’re not sure if the Creme Eggs in the shop are from last Easter, or for next Easter.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You lose your fucking mind and go up for a second communion at mass. DOUBLE JESUS.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Sorry, you’re wearing headphones. We’ll come back later.