21 March – 20 April
Weight loss, or bigger jeans? It’s your secret.
21 April – 21 May
Keep buying canned goods, you never know when the missiles will start flying.
May 21 – June 20
You make a big splash today! As you drive through a puddle and soak a load of people on their way to work. Prick.
June 21 – July 22
You thank the sweet Lord above that the Olympics are finally fucking over.
July 23 – August 22
Now’s as good a day as any to try this “going outside” craic.
August 23 – September 22
You put your trousers on one leg at a time for a change, and you admit that it’s not without its merits.
September 23 – October 22
Smile. It confuses people. People that are easily confused by smiles. You know, idiots.
October 23 – November 21
You borrow your mum’s glasses so you can look like Conor McGregor.
November 22 – December 21
You shit yourself. We can’t believe it. you can’t either. You’re a grown-ass adult and you have fouled your pants in public. Jesus Christ.
December 22 – January 19
You narrowly avoid doing some work today.
January 20 – February 18
Turns out you CAN do donuts in a Micra.
February 19 – March 20
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? It looks like it must have been devastating. You’re in bits.