Irish Church Just 5 More Scandals Away From Vatican Record


THE IRISH Catholic Church is tantalisingly close to beating out rival countries for the record of the most scandals, a Vatican insider has confirmed.

Fresh off the news that priests studying in the seminary in Maynooth stand accused of using the gay dating app Grindr, Cardinal Giorgio Saatchi of the Vatican has confirmed just 5 more scandals for the Catholic Church here in Ireland and they will hold the record.

“We’re not saying it’s anything to be proud of, but nonetheless it is very impressive,” Cardinal Saatchi confirmed.

“And we must not forget that the scandals don’t just take in the usual abuses, Ireland has had an impressive array of scandals be it priests embezzling funds or forcing elderly and vulnerable people to sign over the contents of their wills to the church,” the Cardinal added, equal parts disappointed and impressed.

Archbishop Diarmuid has suspended the seminary education of priests here in Ireland and transferred the responsibility of their education to Rome for the time being as an investigation into the use of the Grinder app is carried.

“When we say investigate into its use, we don’t mean ‘how it works’, a lot our familiar with that,” confirmed a church spokesman who was 64 years into his celibacy streak.

The astonishing scandal which has engulfed Maynooth and shocked the Irish public would not be a scandal Cardinal Saatchi admitted “if the church acknowledged the fact that priests are people too and have desires and that a life of celibacy is hardly normal”.