Banking Stress Test Reveals 2008-Levels Of Politicians Saying “Everything Is Grand”
FANS of the 2008 financial crisis were delighted at the news that a recent stress-test of Irish banks have brought about a trip down memory lane, with glaring holes showing up across several Irish financial institutions along with huge numbers of politicians and banking officials rushing to assure the population that ‘everything is grand’.
Tests run by the European Banking Authority placed the spotlight on AIB and Bank of Ireland’s capacity to withstand losses in the event of a prolonged period of financial downturn, and highlighted both banks’ shortcomings with a Common equity Tier 1 (CET1) rating well below what is acceptable.
With share prices in AIB plummeting after it received one of the worst test results of the 51 European banks tested, denial levels among Irish politicians soared to levels not seen since 2008, when the Irish people were assured that we had loads of money and that ‘we’d never need a bailout, ever, ever, ever’.
“My two favourite things are misery and nostalgia, so it was great to see everyone trying to convince everyone else that coming near-last in these stress tests was a good thing,” said Conn Harrilton, manager of the Dungarvan branch of AIB.
“It just took me right back to those breathtaking days, with Biffo and Lenihan telling us that we were fine and that there was no way we’d be facing the worst recession in living memory. All we need now is a photo of the Troika at Dublin airport while Enda Kenny is on telly saying that the Troika aren’t coming to town, and it’ll be like the last 8 years of recovery never happened”.
Meanwhile, police are still searching for missing economist David McWilliams, with many suggesting that the bad news about Ireland’s banks made him ejaculate so hard he flew into space.