Waterford Man Found Drowned In Own Arse Gravy
ATTEMPTS today to resuscitate a Waterford man found face down in a pool of his own arse gravy were unsuccessful, prompting emergency services to issue a red arse gravy warning as temperatures continue to soar across the country.
Liam Finnuchan, 37, drowned in his car as he attempted to revel into Waterford city in scorching 29 degree heat.
It is believed that the sudden tsunami of arse gravy from Mr. Finnuchan’s butt crack shorted out the electrics in his Fiat 500, causing his windows to close and his doors to lock.
The car filled up, and motorists discovered the grim scene too late to save the Tramore native.
As condolences flooded in, a spokesperson for the National Emergency Services warned people to take precautions as the heat wave continues.
“We’re not victim-blaming here, but Mr. Finnuchan was wearing jeans at the time, ” said Dr. Finn Jennings, speaking at an arse gravy awareness seminar.
“Arse gravy can pool faster than you may think; it can only take a half an hour sitting in the one spot on a day like this to generate enough AG to drown a fully grown man. Please be sensible. Make regular trips to the toilet just to sit on the cool bowl, and never wear full-length trousers when the temperature hits 25 or higher”.
Mr. Finnuchan will be laid to rest later this week. Clothes pegs on noses have been deemed mandatory for the ceremony.