Queen Snaps Hip After 87th Birthday Bump


THE decision to give the Queen 90 bumps on her birthday almost passed without incident today, until a tired crowd of birthday bumpers lost concentration on the 87th bump, causing Her Royal Highness™ to slam into the ground with a sickening, hip-smashing thump.

Elizabeth II, aka The Queen, had been enjoying the festivities of her 90th birthday, which included breakfast in bed and a present of a mug that assured her she was “the best Queen in Britian”.

After attending a lunch with her extended family, which consisted of crisps and fizzy drinks, the Queen then had a few rounds of musical thrones before Philip rallied the family to give his wife the birthday bumps, a long-standing regal tradition dating back to 1705.

As the rules of the birthday bumps dictate that the bumpee must receive one bump per year, the Queen was hoisted up and down for close to 20 minutes, before a lapse in concentration from Prince Philip saw her fall to the floor, breaking a hip in the process.

“One’s hip is fucking killing one”, the Queen was heard to say on her way to the hospital.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but don’t give someone the bumps if you’re going to flake out before it’s done. The song goes ‘God Save The Queen’, not ‘God Let The Queen Slip Out Of Your Hands Three Bumps From The End’. Fuck sake, like”.

An apologetic Prince Philip, fearful of his wife’s wrath, cancelled his upcoming trip to Paris, just to be on the safe side.