WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

If you didn’t stare at your phone all day, who knows what you might discover about life? You might even find a fiver on the ground. 

taurus

21 April – 21 May

When you finally get around to doing that DIY project that your wife has been pestering you about, be sure to do it badly enough that she doesn’t ask you to do another one for years. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

The garage informs you that your car cannot be repaired, all that you can do now is make it comfortable in its final few months. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You join the IRA Max. All the thrills of the regular IRA, none of the sugar.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Your finances take a swing for the better this week, after you plow a JCB into a cash machine at midnight. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Another Lotto winner in the Midlands. Lucky bastards! You should move to the Midlands, get some of that sweet Lotto luck. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You finally spend the last of your communion money.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Wow, this year is really getting away on you, isn’t it?

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your plans to take your girlfriend on a romantic night out is ruined when you hear your wrestling entrance music hit and you have to go hit some people with chairs. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You accept that you’ll never get a blue tick on Twitter.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Grim. That’s all we can say about your week right now. It’s grim as fuck. If it was a superhero it would be Ben Grimm. If it was a Chinese appetiser it would be Grim Sum. If.. you get the idea. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

See last week’s one, it still counts.

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