WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
If you didn’t stare at your phone all day, who knows what you might discover about life? You might even find a fiver on the ground.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
When you finally get around to doing that DIY project that your wife has been pestering you about, be sure to do it badly enough that she doesn’t ask you to do another one for years.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
The garage informs you that your car cannot be repaired, all that you can do now is make it comfortable in its final few months.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You join the IRA Max. All the thrills of the regular IRA, none of the sugar.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Your finances take a swing for the better this week, after you plow a JCB into a cash machine at midnight.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Another Lotto winner in the Midlands. Lucky bastards! You should move to the Midlands, get some of that sweet Lotto luck.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You finally spend the last of your communion money.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Wow, this year is really getting away on you, isn’t it?
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your plans to take your girlfriend on a romantic night out is ruined when you hear your wrestling entrance music hit and you have to go hit some people with chairs.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You accept that you’ll never get a blue tick on Twitter.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Grim. That’s all we can say about your week right now. It’s grim as fuck. If it was a superhero it would be Ben Grimm. If it was a Chinese appetiser it would be Grim Sum. If.. you get the idea.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
See last week’s one, it still counts.