Motor Premiums To Rise Because None Of Your Fucking Business

SEVERAL motor insurance companies across the country have announced a 20% hike in premiums this week after it was revealed the reasons behind such a move was none of your fucking business.

Drivers have been warned to expect double-digit hikes in their annual spend on motor insurance, and not to be so fucking nosey as to the logic behind such an extortionate move.

“Car insurance is compulsory in Ireland, so being one of the few companies allowed to provide such a service gives us free reign to hike that shit as much as we fucking like,” explained FBD Holdings’ group chief executive, Fiona Mulgoon. “Just think of us like a bank that forces you to take out an account; then charges you extortionate amounts for maintaining that account, despite you never actually using that account”.

“Banks aren’t a patch on us – we’re fucking ruthless man,” she added, now pounding on her chest with her fists, before yelling ‘ooh rah’ over and over again into this reporter’s face.

Meanwhile, experts in the field of bullshit are blaming the legal profession for inflating the cost of claims, which, they say, are causing the substantial premium hikes.

“Yeah, it’s the lawyers,” a spokesperson for the financial regulator told WWN, whilst trying to hold in the laughter. “Yeah, that’s it; it’s the lawyers ha ha. Those damn fees they charge ha ha, fucks sake, you people are idiots,” the spokesperson added now rolling around in laughter and insisting on taking a snapchat of my ‘pathetic stupid face’.

This new hike will come on top of last year’s price hike of 31%, which insurers claim was down to go fuck yourself.