70% Non-Payment Of Water Bills All Part Of The Plan, Confirms Government

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IN response to the news that a freedom of information request made by TD Paul Murphy revealed that as of May this year only 30% of households had paid their Irish Water bill, the Government has confirmed that it is actually all part of some plan.

“We’re under absolutely no obligation to expand on what the plan is exactly, but trust that once we eventually tell you what it is you’ll be saying to yourselves, ‘oh my God, he’s right, that is a very good plan’,” Minister Alan Kelly told WWN.

With some 70% of households not paying their bills by May of this year, many experts have stated that such a huge uptake in defiance can only be viewed as a failure, however this is disputed by the Government.

“Look, as we know taxes are something no one likes paying, and sure look what members of the public pay income tax on earnings? The vast majority of them absolutely don’t, this is just the same really,” Minister Kelly added, in response to claims that the numbers were ‘a bit shite’.

Senior figures in Irish Water also confirmed that 30% is better than 0%, pointing out that most people would be happy with 30% of a lovely cake but entirely unsatisfied with 0% of a cake.

“You could say we’re happy with the figures, and as the minister has said there’s some sort of plan or something that will see 100% of people sign, and honestly, it doesn’t involve kidnapping people’s children and forcing them to pay or else,” a spokesman for Irish Water confirmed.

While the minister would not explain any part of the Government’s ‘epic’ plan he insisted it could involve fireworks and a concert by Hozier or Kodaline, whichever artist the public preferred.

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