Unionists Feeling More British After Rioting
JOYOUS celebrations carried out by some members of the Loyalist community in Northern Ireland have left many feeling more British than ever, WWN can reveal.
As part of the annual Orange Order parades, a minority of the Unionist community asserted their allegiance to Britain by having a great big riot, bringing them one step closer to a euphoric state of Britishness.
Clashes with PSNI officers saw 24 members of the police service injured with one officer requiring 12 stitches in his hand after one proud Briton savagely bit his finger.
“You know, it wasn’t until I sank my teeth into his flesh that I started to really feel quite British,” explained the man who carried out the attack, “we have a unique culture and it needs to be protected, but I don’t think people can argue with it really, like, I’m absolutely buzzing with Britishness right now”.
Far from dismissing the idiotic displays of violence and civil disturbances that also saw a 16-year-old girl struck by a car, officials in Northern Ireland have reluctantly accepted last night’s violence.
“Well, look, it’s simple. We can’t dismiss the studies conducted last year by leading scientists that said marching around, burning pallets and fighting police actually released a special, naturally occurring chemical in the Unionist brain,” explained PSNI Sargeant William Boyle.
“After a good bonfire and a punch or two at my office, the perpetrators began speaking like Boris Johnson and sat down to tea and crumpets. It really has enhanced their Britishness to strawberries and cream at Wimbledon levels of quaint Britishness,” Boyle added.
It is expected that the Queen will ring everyone one of the rioters individually later today to thank them for their display of loyalty.