Bribe Not A Bribe, Confirm FAI


JOHN DELANEY, patron saint of Irish football, has poured his heart out across 24 pages in the upcoming June 7th issue of the Sunday Independent, confirming definitively that the €5 million payment from FIFA was not a bribe.

The payment, whose existence Delaney admitted to on Ray D’Arcy’s radio show yesterday for the first time, has since been downgraded to a ‘loan’ by FIFA as they asked Delaney to stick to the script.

The €5 million fee was paid out to the FAI as hush money after Ireland suffered at the hands of the world’s first ever handball, carried out by Frenchman man and eternal bastard Thierry Henry in a playoff for the 2010 World Cup.

Famously Ireland were winning 17-1 but Henry’s handball and assist denied Ireland a place in the World Cup final against Spain.

Irish fans have been left shocked and bemused by the not a bribe received by the FAI in the aftermath of the game which was kept under wraps until now.

With the game at a grass roots level still years behind nations of similar stature, Delaney’s tenure as head of the FAI continues to rankle considering his sizeable salary which dwarves the total prize money for the League of Ireland.

“I walked from Dublin to Zurich barefooted,” explained John Delaney to the Sunday Independent, “and honest to God, you can ask anyone who was there, but it was just myself and Sepp Blatter and I said, I remember it clearly as I was wearing cool shades and everything. I said ‘put the money in the bag now and I’ll be on my way’ and he did and everyone cheered and said ‘John Delaney you are the best’,” Delaney added.

Delaney refused to take all the credit for Sepp Blatter stepping down as the head of FIFA but finally admitted the long standing rumour that he invented the Brazilian flick.

Fans can now rest easy after Delaney, who has a beautiful girlfriend, has cleared everything up, meaning no one is allowed to find the fact the FAI received €5 million from a corrupt organisation on the condition they cease any and all legal action disconcerting in any way.