Dead Arms Up 23% Since Last Year, Warns School Bully


DEAD arms have risen by almost a quarter compared to the same time last year, Gerry Ronan warned first year students today.

Ronan, a self confessed bully, found an increase of 34 dead arms in the first three months of 2015.

“M’after handing out at least three deadners today already.” said the second year student, who currently has an entourage of three fellow classmates that follow his lead out sheer terror. “That must be a world record or something’. I know the lads who were in my year last year only handed out wan hundred and forty seven point eight deadners by the end of March, so myself and my lads are definitely beating them on that front…..excuse the pun.”

A total of 123 dead legs was also delivered in the first quarter of this year, along with 23 Chinese burns, 4 nipple twists and a staggering 78 pole-wedgies off the goal posts in the sports field.

“To say I’m killing it is an understatement,” added the 14-year-old. “Kinda makes me glad I stayed back this year, otherwise I’d be stuck now studying for the Junior Cert.”

Mr. Ronan’s class tutor decided last year he would benefit from repeating second year due to his poor grades and propensity for acting out in class.

“Ms. Clancy obviously knew I needed to break some first years down, and more importantly: some dead arm school records too.” he finished.