36-Year-Old Frantically Looking For Old Nokia Phone Containing Dealer’s Number


THIRTY six year old Maurice Keegan spent the majority of this afternoon searching for his old Nokia 3210, which contains the number of Jimbo White – a once prominent and well know drug dealer in the area during the late naughties

Keegan swore he had last seen the device in the kitchen press, along with all the other useless shite he refuses to throw away.

“Fuck-fuck-fuck,” he exclaimed, knowing a newly found drug loophole in the Irish law was quickly coming to a close. “If I get yokes tonight, I can ring in sick tomorrow and go on the bang with the lads until Thursday”.

“Fuck em, why couldn’t this land on Paddies day!”

Mr. Keegan’s panic comes after a ruling in the Court of Appeal that left certain drugs that had been declared illegal, to be currently legal, thus forcing the Irish government to pass emergency legislation tonight.

However, due to procedure, this may not be passed for the next two days.

It is believed the drugs affected by the ruling include: crystal meth, ketamine and ecstasy. The latter being an age-old favourite with the now frantic father-of-three.

Meanwhile, thousands of people have taken to the streets to celebrate the break in prohibition, with ‘E reunion’ parties being organised in clubs and pubs across the country.

All major Irish towns and cities have reported the erection of hundreds of drug stalls, containing a wide variety of speckled, and non-speckled pills. Farmers market organisers have welcomed the new addition, claiming that the number of people visiting today is unprecedented.

“How bad, you can now get your veg and yips all under one tent,” said chairman of Ballybricken farmers’ market, Tadgh Clancy. “Everyone is so friendly and in great form here today. Long may it last”.

Employers have been warned that most of the Irish workforce is expected to have an epic come down this Friday, and to be prepared for a record number of sick days.