Today Marks The First ‘Roy Keane Attack’ Free Week Of 2015


THE RNLI coast guard along with law enforcement personnel are celebrating the first week of 2015 without a Roy Keane attack.

While no authority has speculated as to why Keane, famous for stalking his prey in a variety of locations, has not attacked anyone in the last week, they remain thankful.

“We can’t find a reason why the attacks have stopped, but we’re glad the public is now more aware of the warning signs and how to be on the look out,” explained Garda Paul Grogan.

British authorities have also confirmed that they too are celebrating a week without any attacks.

“Week to week we had been getting calls about a figure seen on the horizon with a distinct bearded-silhouette, but we’re glad to say those calls have been down to zero in recent days,” PC Norman Jones explained to WWN.

The public had remained on high alert in recent weeks after a spate of incidents involving a Keane resulted in troubling incidents.

“I’m not one to speculate, but perhaps that incident off the coast of Norfolk in which a man lost his arm has quenched his appetite for human flesh,” explained esteemed naturalist David Attenborough.

Beaches, roads, footpaths along with other public spaces have now been reopened to the public following the reduction in Roy Keane sightings but authorities have urged the public to remain vigilant.

“Everyone is now familiar with the public awareness campaign so if anyone matching Keane’s description ‘stops, stares, grunts’ then they should ring us immediately,” confirmed Garda Grogan.

If you have a sighting of Roy Keane to report, please contact the relevant authorities.