36,000 Teachers Without Garda Vetting Are Probably Grand, Thinks Government


GOVERNMENT officials in the Department of Education have issued a carefully worded shrug of the shoulders to the revelation that 36,000 teachers have yet to be vetted by gardaí.

“Ah, it’ll be grand,” explained Minister for Education Jan O’Sullivan when WWN asked her to respond to the figures, obtained by RTÉ’s Morning Ireland programme.

WWN can now exclusively and shockingly reveal that it won’t, in fact, be grand. Drawing on research carried out by utilising casual conversations amongst friends, family and work colleagues, citing first hand accounts of ‘weird teachers’ all evidence leads to the conclusion that every teacher should be studiously vetted in a timely and efficient manner.

Under new legislation waiting to be enacted only new teachers will be required to be vetted by gardaí, confirming what all parents suspected: it is scientifically improbable that teachers over a certain age require a similar vetting process.

“I’d be for vetting for all teachers, or adults working with children in general,” explained Alan Kilbride, “I’m a teacher myself and I reckon my chronic heroin problem and conviction for gun smuggling means I’m probably not the best fit as a teacher”.

Not all parents were ecstatic with the news that only new teachers will be vetted.

“I have, on at least four occasions witnessed my child’s teacher lick her socks. She says they’re too delicate for the washing machine,” shared concerned parent Afric Mullens, “but she’s 59 so no vetting for her, it’s madness”.

The Government’s official communication of dispassionate shoulder shrugging at the news is set to continue up to a point whereby something tragic and entirely avoidable occurs, forcing them to belatedly take swift and proper action.