“Ireland’s Tactics Against Germany Will Involve Roy Keane Death Stare,” Confirms O’Neill


AHEAD of Ireland’s crunch Euro qualifier clash with reigning World Cup winners Germany, manager Martin O’Neill has outlined his side’s experimental tactics at a press conference this morning.

Although rumours are still circulating as to who will make up Ireland’s starting eleven, O’Neill seemed unconcerned with which players he would take to the field with, even going as far as to state it would be almost irrelevant.

“We’ll be relying heavily on Roy’s death stare,” the manager confirmed, “despite the fact Roy won’t be on the field of play we’ve been working a lot in training on perfecting his ‘I’ll murder you if you blink’ facade in the hope it can intimidate the German players,” he added.

Coming off the back of a convincing win against minnows Gibraltar, Ireland face the tougher test of the World Cup winners away from home but O’Neill is quietly confident.

“Has Roy Keane ever given you the death stare,” queried O’Neill, “the Gibraltar keeper bumped into Roy in the tunnel before game on Saturday, once Roy laid eyes on him the poor boy soiled himself. This is a tactic we have to make use of”.

“We might not be at our strongest as Coleman is injured and Roy lost the beard, meaning his stare is less menace, but I’ve reviewed the footage from Saturday and that jawline doesn’t distract from the subtle simmering rage that is his face”.

Germany manager Joachim Loew has yet to respond to news of Ireland’s new tactics as he believed to be actively hiding from the murderous spectre that is Roy Keane.

At the behest of Keane’s lawyer and manager the ex-Manchester United captain patented his signature death stare in 2004 and insured it for €2.4 million. 😉