Holy Water 30% Less Holy Than A Decade Ago, Reveal Experts



A CRACK team of Catholic Church experts have revealed that over the past decade holy water has as much as 30% less holiness in it. The discovery has caused wide spread shock in the Catholic faith and is yet another blow to the Vatican as they try to rehabilitate their damaged image.

“Holy Water, Jesus Juice, A splash of sweet Mary mother of God, whatever you want to call it, we’re down by 30%. The purity of the holy water distributed to churches around the world is on the decline. We don’t know the reason why yet but when your priest blesses that water something has gone awry,” explained chief holy water expert Fr. Johnny Franks.

“What many people fail to realise is that the church exports millions of barrels of holy water directly from the Vatican to churches around the world on a daily basis,” added Fr. Franks.

Local priests interviewed by WWN here in Waterford admitted they suspected for a while that their holy water was weaker than in previous years but were afraid to speak out.

“I knew something was up when I burned a little fella’s head at a christening there recently, I told the parents sure that just happens from time to time, it shows he’s being absolved of the sins and that, sure I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on,” Fr. D’Arcy, local priest explained.

The Vatican has acted quickly, in a move completely out of character with how they’ve handled previous scandals, to get to the bottom of the problem. Reports suggest that the Pope has hired leading scientists who seems to have no problem in taking money from believe who dismiss science when it suits them and who also want to know why their water is 30% less holy.

“You’ve got to ask where has that 30% of holiness gone? It’s clearly being siphoned off by some rogue priests,” queried lapsed-Catholic and conspiracy theory enthusiast Ronan Mulhern.

Investigations which are currently underway suggest a cabal of high ranking Catholic Church figures have been adding the missing holiness to their church pensions in the hope that it will stand them in good stead once they ascend to Heaven or descend to Hell depending on their differing degrees of immorality.

While this scandal is damaging it is not the first time holy water’s holiness has been called into question. In 1981 the church was rocked by claims that it was running low on holy water supplies and so was instead using toilet water as a replacement.