“I Was Cloned In A Government Experiment” Michael Lowry Explains Existence Of ‘Michael Lowrey’

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IN AN ATTEMPT to explain why a man called ‘Michael Lowrey’ would sell a house to Michael Lowry’s daughter Lorraine Lowry for €50,000 only for Michael Lowry to later purchase it from his daughter for €290,000, the independent TD has made an incredible admission.

“I was dropped from a helicopter at the Galway races in 1994 into a vat of liquified brown envelopes, I thankfully emerged safely from this toxic sludge but so too did a man called Michael Lowrey. My exact clone in every way,” Michael Lowry said to the Dáil by way of explaining that technically he both is and isn’t Michael Lowrey, the man who sold Lowry daughter a house at a below market value reduced price.

Rumours of secretive Celtic Tiger era government experiments have been rife for years but this is the first on-the-record acknowledgement of hubristic forays into controversial scientific methods.

“We wanted to use Charles Haughey, but Charlie said no because there was a risk that he’d have to share money with his clone, so then we turned to convicted criminal Michael Lowry instead,” said one scientist on the condition on anonymity.

“I’m bound to be known for creating this abomination, Michael Lowrey, but I did good experiments during the Tiger years; you think something as mad as Eddie Hobbs wasn’t dreamed up in a lab?” added the scientist, who refused to take credit for all pine kitchens or the panini.

“I’d wager this was in no way an attempt to conceal ownership of anything, nor was it a way for anyone to avoid having to pay Capital Gains Tax,” offered one tax expert, who previously did the accounts for Anglo, the FAI and is available for budgeting work on the Children’s Hospital.

Elsewhere, widespread laughter greeted people suggesting the government will probably want to amend legislation removing a loophole which means TDs do not have to declare interests in properties they buy through companies even if they are, as is the case with Lowry, the sole shareholder of a company that buys property.

UPDATE: Micheál Martin has welcomed the news of the existence of ‘Michael Lowrey’ as that means he has one more additional independent TD to prop up the government.

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