Record Numbers Turning Feral After Brief Loss Of Access To Internet

WITH members of the Irish public reporting a loss in internet connection, there are fears that many have turned feral to such a severe level, they many never return to being functional members of society.

Local authorities and repair teams seeking to survey the damage caused by Storm Eowyn and restore power have been hampered by the large number of feral internet-deprived people turning on them and in some cases acting out in a violent manner.

“I’ll suck you off for a quick go of TikTok, I know you’ve got signal,” one young man is reported as saying to emergency services as they attended the scene of an emergency, only to be descended upon by a horde of psychotic, internet-hungry citizens.

It’s clear the thin veneer of a functioning, cohesive society in Ireland is no match for the disintegration in civility mere seconds of disconnection from a source of constant entertainment and distraction can cause.

“It’s been over 8 hours without access, what do you expect?” said one horde member of the brief 15-minute ongoing interruption to their 4g phone connection.

“We urge those driven made by cravings for an endless stream of digestible videos to get creative, cut out some cardboard in the shape of a phone scream and get a housemate or loved one to be your YouTube and instagram,” said one government energy response team member, moments before the arm holding their internet connected phone was hacked off by a TikTok addicted 13-year-old.

Others have called for the brand new government to fall over their handling of the situation.

“No internet? I’ve had to use my imagination to masturbate, it’s a fecking disgrace!” said one pornography enthusiast.

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