CAB Seize Drug Dealer’s Home & Charge Him With Crimes Against Interior Decoration

A RECENT surge in repossessions by the Criminal Assets Bureau of homes bought with the proceeds of crime has dealt a blow for criminals and shown them in addition to punishing them for being involved in the illegal drug trade, tasteless interior decoration will not be tolerated either.

“Wall to wall Gucci logos as wallpaper? It’s visual vomit, an assault on the eyes and we’re not tolerating it any longer,” said one CAB member cuffing a drug dealer and his wife after finding their sitting adorned with ‘his and hers’ royal-style gold covered thrones.

“It’s one thing to flood a struggling community with drugs but the real sin here is having all the money in the world and no sense to employ an interior decorator with a bit of taste,” a disgusted Garda said, taking a hammer to a shower unit which was cast in the shape of a topless mermaid.

Ross Rossiter Jr, member of the Costigan crime family, had his home repossessed this morning along with a number of sports cars however it will be the potential two-year sentence for offences against interior decoration which will have trouble him the most.

“Fuck yiz, yin pigs, a hot tub with a curtain yoke around it in the bedroom and a mirror above the bed is dead classy,” Rossiter Jr said as he was led away by gardaí this morning.

The number of visual assaults on the eyes suffered by CAB personnel has led to calls for the government to make free interior decorating lessons available to criminals on the streets and in jail.