New Shroud Of Turin Evidence Confirms Jesus Was Packing

THE CONTROVERSIAL linen cloth purporting to have swaddled a dead Jesus of Nazareth have gained fresh credibility following a study which proves the cloth dates from the period in question, and in addition confirms the Son of God was seriously packing.

“We’re glad that, using state of the art technology we could shed new light on the shroud, however some of the light was blocked out by the shadow caused by Jesus’s manhood,” confirmed a team of Italian researchers.

Conducting dating work on samples from the contentious shroud seems to confirm that the shroud dates from 2,000 years ago, with the small caveat that it doesn’t actually prove that at all but at least it gives the media something to report.

“This is sacrilegious, to speak of our Lord in such a way,” said one Vatican official, passing up on a really great marketing opportunity for the struggling faith.

“It’s in the billions, I would urge them to reconsider,” said one man in the dildo molding business who thinks such items would easily outsell miraculous medals.

Others anatomical details that have been garnered from the shroud include an incredibly healthy liver for a man with the ability to turn water into wine.

“You wouldn’t say that about Mohammad now would you,” critics of the researchers said, leading researchers to point out that this statement was true as Mohammad had a much smaller penis.

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