Putin Cheers Himself Up After French Election Disappointment With Bombing Of Kyiv Children’s Hospital


FEELING DOWN in the dumps after losing the French election, Russian war criminal Vladimir Putin was said to be completely bereft until a number of aides, fearing for their lives, began brainstorming ways to cheer up the 71-year-old.

“I honestly didn’t think we’d pull him out of his depression hole but the smile on his face when we told him we’d successfully hit a children’s hospital and killed over 40 people, that’s why you get up in the mornings,” said one war cabinet official, celebrating one more day of not being thrown out a window.

Insiders revealed the usual options, such as a Russian billionaire gifting Putin a mansion have proven fruitless and just can’t lift his spirits the way heinous war crimes can.

“Well, honestly I can’t tell if he’s still upset or that’s just the latest batch of surgery on his face,” said another cabinet member fearing they’d need to start kidnapping more Ukrainian children to stand any hope of getting him over French democracy in action.

Other ‘fun’ pick me up options rejected by Putin this time included an assassination of a political opponent and yet another clandestine sabotage mission burning down another arms depot in Berlin.

Meanwhile, those thinking that a deadly strike on a hospital in the Ukrainian capital might shut up the ‘it’s perfectly safe over there, they should all be sent back’ brigade have been proven wrong in record time.