Emer Higgins’ Vision For Traffic Problems In Dublin City

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AFTER years of consultations, objections, compromises and the overwhelming support of city residents, the next phase of Dublin’s Bus Connects scheme is on its way.

That was until Ireland’s most successful politician of the 21st century, Emer ‘Post Passport’ Higgins, spoke out in her official capacity as junior minister for increasing smog and congestion.

With clear vision, just imagine the transformative effect the Fine Gael TD can have on Irish transport using just 1% of the energy that was required to rename Passport Express. Here, WWN unveils Higgins’ vision for the first time:

Immediately rename Dublin Bus ‘Bus Dublin’.

To avoid a repeat of the rollout of the Luas which as we all know crushed jobs and destroyed businesses, it will be illegal to travel into the city centre without a pledge to spend a minimum of €100.

Hold off on making improvements to public transport until public transport improves.

A ‘proper jobs’ dedicated lane. Any Fine Gael voters in a hurry will use dedicated lanes, made of up repurposed bus lanes.

In the absence of solutions, offer people the chance to moan about cyclists.

On rainy days, BMW drivers will be diverted directly into puddles to splash pedestrians in an effort to encourage those soaked to stop being so poor that they have to choose public transport over owning a BMW.

Ignore all the encouraging tweets you’re getting from people who also say that the ’15 minute city’ is a LGBT5G conspiracy by WHO, WEF and the UN to control you.

Whatever you do as a public representative don’t actually submit any proposals during the consultation process. Instead, wait until it is all decided on to start speaking up.

If any new suggestion would hurt the profits of people who own car parks in the city centre by a sum greater than one euro, then it’s an automatic no.

Perhaps a ride-sharing app based in Silicon Valley could be the solution? And it wouldn’t be fair to have them take all the risk, maybe the government could give them several hundred million to a year to operate in Dublin.

Make pedestrians carry around trees with them in a bid to improve air quality.

Develop a leap card, that when you tap on, automatically deletes previous election campaign videos in which a political candidate says they will demand better public transport for their constituents.

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