Newly Unearthed Scroll Reveals Satan Was Banished From Heaven For Inventing Wasps


A TEAM of religious academics claim they have uncovered ancient Christian scrolls which contradict centuries of Abrahamic religious teachings about the fallen angel, Lucifer.

Excavated scrolls in Bethlehem, Palestine reveal that God, the father of all creation, had entrusted his once close subordinate, Satan, with a number of high profile tasks including ‘animal creation’.

“God was having creator’s block when it came to animals, he thought he peaked when he invented puppies and just couldn’t create anymore. He asked Lucifer to take over and that’s when the trouble started,” confirmed Fr. John Brady, the Vatican representative responsible for reviewing and verifying the newly discovered scrolls.

While previously Satan’s banishment from Heaven was attributed to various theories including waging a war against God, the sin of pride and always bumming smokes off people, the newly discovered scrolls present the definitive reason.

“God put him on his final warning when he came up with seagulls, I think he called them a feathery abomination made entirely from rage,” added Fr. Brady.

“But he just couldn’t help himself, geese were next. He kept his head down for awhile, came up with seals, elephants but before long the temptation became too great and then wasps were spawned”.

God became so incensed by the huge volumes of ‘buzzy cunts’ that he issued Satan with his final written warning before Heaven’s HR team offered a non-negotiable transfer to the less cosy branch located in Hell.